If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? That’s why I love sharing these Deadspin, Why Your Team Sucks articles every year. No team is safe from scorn. Not even the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So the site’s Drew Magary wrote, as he does for all 32 teams, why the Steelers, in fact, suck. Check out the entire article here, including dozens of submissions from fans of the black and gold, but I’ll include some highlights below. Fair warning, some of these might (re: definitely are) painful to relive.
“You thought they made the playoffs last year, right? So did they, amigo, so did they. Last year I wondered out loud if the Steelers were ever on the same page. 2018 proved that they were not. In fact, 2018 proved that the Steelers all hate each other FAR more than they hate any given opponent.”
Magary didn’t even touch on the fact this team began the year 7-2-1, clearly in the driver’s seat of not only the AFC North but an AFC favorite only to collapse the second half of the season and root for the Browns – ew – to bail them out in the regular season finale.
“This is the most aggressively stupid team in the whole sport. They forgot that a safety punt is a live ball. They blew a game to Jon Gruden because their kicker apparently wore bowling shoes onto the field. They called a fullback dive on a fake punt (it did not work). They lost a road game to the Broncos because they are statistically unable to ever win a single game after flying due west. Their defensive coordinator game-planned for Tyler Eifert despite the fact that Eifert broke his ankle months prior.”
All of those moments make me want to run away and hide and become a fan of the XFL.
This next part hurt the most and I’m laughing only to prevent myself from crying.
“Megabucks GLORY BOY Antonio Brown was finally shipped off to Oakland, and you didn’t even get a first-rounder for it. But on the bright side, you don’t have to worry about THAT guy destroying team chemistry by catching 120 balls for 1,600 yards ever again. FINALLY. That was a real burden for you guys!”
And here’s a fan submitted email that cracked me up.
“Every time I see the ‘will the Steelers be better without AB and LeVeon’ argument show up on ESPN, I scream ‘YES!’ at the TV. I’m a moron.”
Of course, Magary had plenty of more to say about the team. Much of it isn’t the kid-friendly content in the world so I’ll again leave the link for you to read the rest (and you most certainly should so long as you can take a joke). If you want to feel a little better, check out his articles on the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns to remind you why those teams suck too.