The regular season is almost here. The Pittsburgh Steelers have wrapped up training camp, fall is around the corner, and I can almost hear the College Gameday crew get me ready for a thrilling noon kickoff between Northwestern and Purdue. Another mid-August tradition is Defector’s Drew Magary reminding each fanbase why their team, in fact, sucks. Today, the Steelers were on the docket to be ridiculed for everything and everything.
If you’re new to the series, Magary has written these “Why Your Team Sucks” articles for years. First for Deadspin and currently for Defector. If you don’t like reading someone needle the Steelers’ players and roster, this isn’t the article for you.
But for everyone who can take these jokes in stride, Magary lays out why the Steelers absolutely suck eggs.
“Pittsburgh’s longest tenured defensive player tore his pec. They won multiple games without scoring an offensive touchdown. They never passed the ball until third down. They lost their starting QB multiple times to injury, which was a blessing because he sucked. Their offensive coordinator was so bad at his job that the kicker felt comfortable shitting on him, to his face, on camera.”
That’s referring to DL Cam Heyward, who tore his groin, not his pec, so a demerit to Magary for the sloppy work. Heyward tore his pec in 2016, and OLB T.J. Watt tore it in 2022. And his last comment, if you weren’t sure, refers to a 2023 video possibly showing K Chris Boswell making fun of OC Matt Canada in the tunnel during one game.
Frankly, the article spent less time bashing Canada than I expected. But it spent time making fun of his replacement, Arthur Smith.
“Smith flamed out as head coach in Atlanta after he failed to use any of his best offensive players properly. Before that, he was with the Titans, where he designed an offensive scheme that made Jim Tressel’s skin hot to the touch. What happens when a coach who doesn’t know how to run an offense joins a team that has no good offensive weapons? Let’s find out!”
Smith was canned in Atlanta after three straight 7-10 seasons, using Pittsburgh as a soft landing. Now, Smith will try to replicate the offense he ran in Tennessee, a ground and pound approach with play-action mixed in to create chunk plays in the passing game. If Smith can turn the clock back to his Titans’ era, the Steelers will have a great year. If those hands only reach back to Atlanta, Pittsburgh will experience more of the same.
The Steelers hope revamping their quarterback room will inject life into the offense. Magary isn’t convinced.
“Instead, they stood pat in the back half of the first round and are rolling with a QB competition that features a washed Russell Wilson and a young quarterback whose ceiling is a washed Russell Wilson.”
Over the span of one week, the Steelers signed Wilson to be the NFL’s cheapest starting quarterback while trading for Justin Fields, only giving up a 2025 conditional Day-Three selection for him. While Wilson and Fields are more talented than Pittsburgh’s had, there’s no guarantee either is the future. Should Wilson and Fields falter, the Steelers are back to the drawing board and likely won’t have a top draft pick to select a blue-chip prospect.
Magary also took shots at ownership after the NFLPA’s yearly study ranked Art Rooney II as the second-worst owner in the league.
“The Rooney family can afford to be lazy, and to force their players to bathe themselves after every practice using nothing more than a garden hose stationed around the back of the practice facility. Nothing changes here. Nothing certainly gets prettier around here. When Russell Wilson counts as a personality injection on your team, that means that you don’t really give a shit. The Steelers don’t. I hope they never win another Super Bowl, and you know what? Things are looking great for me on that end.”
Pittsburgh’s a model of consistency, but that’s also meant consistently disappointing finishes. There have been just two double-digit winning seasons over the past six seasons, one division title since 2018, and no playoff wins for seven straight years. To find a drought longer than that, you have to dip into the pre-NFL merger era. The results have gotten stale, and frustration is felt inside and outside the Steelers’ building.
As his articles always conclude, Magary includes reader-submitted emails from Steelers fans who describe what they loathe most about the team. There are a bunch of them, but here are two that made me laugh.
“Our blockbuster off-season move upgraded us from having the worst QB in the division to having the worst QB in the division.”
“Things you can guarantee: death, taxes, and Mike Tomlin losing to the absolute worst team on the schedule every year.”
Can’t wait for that loss to the Las Vegas Raiders in Week 6!
If you’re looking to laugh at the rest of the league, here’s a reminder the Cincinnati Bengals suck, too. Articles on the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns suckiness are upcoming.
