Fair warning. If you can’t poke a little fun at your own team, this post is not for you.
If you followed the old Deadspin website before it became a shell of itself, you might remember Drew Magary’s “Why Your Team Sucks” series. His version of an NFL preview and chance to needle the fanbases of all 32 teams. He’s continued that series for the past few years for the website Defector, where many of Deadspin’s talent migrated to. Today, he wrote about why the Pittsburgh Steelers suck.
Some highlights.
He first gave a quick recap of the team’s 2022 season, a year in which the team went from 2-6 and among the worst in football to somehow rallying to finish 9-8, nearly making the playoffs.
“9-8, and isn’t it just like the Steelers to have a winning season that was unwatchable from start to finish? Have you ever gone to a bar to watch Sunday Ticket, only to feel cramped, drunk, exhausted, and depressed right around 3:00 p.m.? That’s what Steelers football feels like all the time.”
It sure wasn’t pretty but Pittsburgh slogged out a 7-2 finish to the year. Only two of those games were won by more than one score and several of them required fourth quarter comebacks: wins over the Indianapolis Colts, Las Vegas Raiders, and Baltimore Ravens. But Mike Tomlin preserved his “never had a losing season” streak that will be talked about 1,700 times before Week One kicks off.
Magary made sure to remind Steelers’ fans how bad things got.
“These Steelers blew a 20-10 lead to Zach Wilson. They gave up three chunk TDs to A.J. Brown in a single half. They gave up almost 500 total yards to Josh Allen in 38-3 loss to Buffalo. Miami and their headless quarterback beat them in a game where neither team scored a single point in the second half.”
Pittsburgh’s loss to Zach Wilson and the New York Jets was the most brutal of the season, spoiling Kenny Pickett’s NFL debut. Somehow, the Steelers choked away a lead to Wilson, possibly the NFL’s worst quarterback last season, and it was a loss that proved costly by season’s end. Had Pittsburgh won that game with the rest of their schedule playing out the same way, they would’ve finished the season 10-7 and made the postseason. Following that defeat, they were rolled by the Buffalo Bills and Philadelphia Eagles in two of the team’s ugliest losses in recent memory.
If Magary upsets you about his season summary, there can at least be common ground about one thing. His disdain for OC Matt Canada.
“Why does every Steelers’ offensive coordinator look like the kind of guy who starts a bar fight and then immediately gets his ass kicked? Anyway that’s Matt Canada, who is bald and who hates play-action more than the average Steelers fan hates direct sunlight.”
For continuity’s sake, Pittsburgh opted to keep Canada for the 2023 season, not wanting to make Pickett and the rest of the offense start over with a new offensive coordinator this season. It may be delaying the inevitable and if Canada can’t get this offense to produce in 2023, there won’t be a 2024.
Magary then dove into QB Kenny Pickett, recalling Ben Roethlisberger’s comments about initially not wanting Pickett to succeed, quipping:
“Selfish? Well that is absolutely the Ben Roethlisberger that I know.”
Pickett has big shoes to fill but has become a fan favorite. And it’s certainly his team now, a relatively quick and seamless transition from Roethlisberger to him. Pickett’s situation is reminiscent of where Roethlisberger was in his second year, an offense built around their ground game, well-timed deep shots, and a sturdy defense that will keep the score down.
Magary then recapped the Steelers’ offseason, begrudgingly praising them for their draft haul, though he noted the team’s changes in the secondary might not make things better.
“Pittsburgh is trying to cut down on the number of big plays they gave up a year ago by adding Porter, CB Patrick Peterson, nickel back Chandon Sullivan, and depth S Keanu Neal to the secondary.”
To the surprise of many, Pittsburgh let CB Cam Sutton go to Detroit, reportedly not offering anything close to the three-year, $33 million deal the Lions gave him. Peterson is a future Hall of Famer with a veteran presence but has lost speed at 33 and isn’t a great system fit for a press-man defense. Pittsburgh’s slot rotation remains uncertain while Terrell Edmunds’ dependability at strong safety will be missed.
As he does with every article, he included snippets from Steelers’ fans who played along and explained why Pittsburgh, in fact, sucks. Here’s just three of them.
“The reason the Steelers are so popular here in Western Pennsylvania is that they distract us from the excruciatingly shitty winters while providing civic pride in a place where nobody has any money.”
“Let’s have one of the most unproductive, predictable offenses in the league, and then bring EVERYBODY back.”
“I should bet my life savings that we will end the year exactly 9-8.”
If you can laugh at yourself and your team, check out the whole article by clicking the link here. There’s tons more commentary worth reading. And don’t worry, the Cleveland Browns suck too with articles on the Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals upcoming.
